Scones! Except not!

Why the hell am I so tired? I didn’t do anything today except totally fail at baking for, like, an hour.

Y’see, I was supposed to make angel food cake. I was getting all ready, separating the egg whites in my handy-dandy separator with my own egg carton (since I needed friggin’ twelve egg whites), when THE YOLK FELL INTO THE EGG WHITES. Not even just a little yolk, I mean the entire fucking yolk fell into the container. I was forced to dump those out and use my mom’s eggs, which weren’t as fresh as mine, and so the yolk was even more slippery and fell into the egg whites again.

So I went, “Fuck it” (as I am usually wont to do, which you know if you read this blog at all)  and looked for something else to bake that wouldn’t require me braving the huge mounds of snow on the sidewalk and trudging all the way to the grocery store.  Which was a little difficult, since we don’t have any chocolate or anything like that in the house — pretty much just your bare bones baking ingredients, and a tiny little bit of cocoa powder.

But! I saw “SCONES!” and I went, “Huh, well that’s new.” I’m kinda getting tired of just making cookies and cupcakes all of the time (including the week before last when I combined the two — but that’s for another entry), so I thought this would be new and interesting. I couldn’t make any ~fancy scones with blueberries or whatever, but I figured plain scones are probably okay, right?

Well, I’ll never know, because it was a complete and unmitigated disaster.

https://i2.wp.com/oi53.tinypic.com/2r5gdit.jpg

I knew when I saw that I was going to have to use cold butter that this was going to be difficult, since I don’t have a food processor to make my life easier, and I was supposed to use some kind of pastry cutter thing that I don’t have. So I used two knives, and it didn’t really work, but when I added the wet ingredients it seemed to… sort of work? Except there were still huge chunks of butter? I kneaded the dough and the butter was still sticking out like “LOL YOU CAN’T INCORPORATE ME INTO THIS BATTER, BITCH”, so I gave up and just cut it into little circles using a shot glass like a boss.

I checked them about ten minutes later, and they looked like this.

https://i0.wp.com/oi56.tinypic.com/aewner.jpg

…Yeah.

Apparently having huge chunks of butter not mixed in properly was, like, a bad thing! Gosh, who knew, right? I still had a little bit of batter left over, so I tried kneading and kneading and kneading in order to get the butter in there, since that usually works with the cookies I make. And it sort of worked. But not really.

https://i2.wp.com/oi53.tinypic.com/2dvvfoz.jpg

(that picture is from the first batch, not the second; I didn’t think to take a picture of the second batch before I threw them out)

When they were pretty much done, one of the scones was bubbling at the bottom but the rest looked… unappetizing. I had a bite of one just to check and URGH URGH URGH, no no no. I think I may have kneaded the dough too much? Or maybe it was, again, a bad recipe. Man, I really need to stop using that one website. Every recipe I’ve tried from there has been either so-so or terrible.

Disheartened, and almost entirely out of flour so I couldn’t try anything else, I flopped on the couch and watched How I Met Your Mother and played Marble Blast all day. And to think, I could’ve gone into work when they called me in the middle of baking and made some money instead, but I said no because I thought I would be baking all day. Oh well.

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6 thoughts on “Scones! Except not!

  1. Luke says:

    I approve of all post failure How I met your Mother watching. 😀

  2. Abby says:

    “& so I cut them into miniature circles with a shot glass like a boss.”
    Its like i am you and you are me and my life is all complete & junk! Lol, I adore all of these. Im just starting out baking myself(experimenting with food dyes, making random pastries look like monsters for 3 insane little boys ) and most of the time its a major bust. But, funny non the less. (then I make them & threaten death..(no I dont))
    But keep this up, your awsome. Maybe you could do something really stupid & make bread, with the yeast & something that sounds like larva but not. Fun to be had!

  3. Abby says:

    Oops, make them *eat it, then threaten death.

    Stupid stupid stupid!

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