Baking is a hit and a miss sometimes. My day had been nice and productive — got up in the morning, had coffee and cereal, went to the grocery store and bought heavy cream, got my bangs cut, took a shower, cleaned the bathroom… and then I made these things.
I don’t know. Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I didn’t mix it correctly. Maybe the mixture sat on the stovetop for too long. Maybe I didn’t bake it long enough. Maybe the recipe was bad. Or maybe I just don’t like this kind of pastry. Who knows? All I can tell is that these tasted disgusting.
Some of you might be wondering what in pluperfect hell are profiteroles?
(aw yeah Kiss Kiss Bang Bang reference) Well, ‘profiterole’ is pretty much just a fancy word for ‘cream puff’. Which sounds delicious, right? Yeah, not these suckers.
This is another recipe from the chocolate book I got for my birthday. You take some water and butter, heat it to just a boil on the stovetop, throw in some flour, and stir until it looks like this. It kind of looks like scrambled eggs or something. Then the pan is removed from the heat and you add four eggs, one at a time, mixing after each addition, until it looks like this.
Now, I’m sure those lumps aren’t supposed to be there. That’s probably the result of me not bothering to cut my butter into pieces and instead just plopping a whole stick in there, so it didn’t melt properly. Probably.
Either way, after that’s done you put it in a pastry bag with a large round tip and pipe it onto a baking sheet.
Mine looked kind of… sad.
They are, most likely, supposed to be bigger than this, but this was the largest round tip I had and I didn’t want them to be piled too high. Plus I’m not really an expert yet with my new pastry bag, so yeah.
And oh, I almost forgot to mention! My mom bought me this super boss Spider-Man apron at Williams-Sonoma last week, and I wore it today for the first time while making these. I’ve never had an apron, and I wish they would make aprons Short People Friendly, because I have to roll it up before I tie around my waist to avoid looking silly and dumpy. But this apron is so awesome that it makes up for it.
Anyway, I baked them for a while at 400 degrees. The recipe said 20 minutes, but knowing my oven I figured it would take a little less time, so I turned it down to 300 a little early. They were supposed to bake at this temperature for 15 minutes, but I baked it for 10 instead. I took them out and let them cool and started making the whipped cream.
The recipe in the book for whipped cream was… well, idiotic. All I was supposed to do was whip two cups of heavy cream. Like, what, that’s it? No vanilla extract? No sugar? No anything? Just straight cream? That sounded gross. And it was. So I added a teaspoon of vanilla extract and 1/2 cup of powdered sugar and then it tasted much, much better. (Seriously, who eats whipped cream TOTALLY plain? IT HAS NO FLAVOR. IT JUST TASTES LIKE REALLY THICK MILK.)
And so then I filled the pastry bag again and attempted to fill the profiteroles.
Well,attempted being the operative word here.
The insides didn’t really seem to fill with the cream and kept leaking out the tops and sides. Not only that, but I tasted two of them and YUCK. I had figured the outsides would be, like, crunchy and flaky or something, but no. It was thick and nasty-tasting. To me, at least. Maybe there are people who like it. But I didn’t. And I didn’t want to have anyone else eating them and think I was a terrible baker and that they should never eat anything I make ever again and then no one would like me anymore, so I threw them out.
So, that was an afternoon wasted. I would post the recipe here but what’s the point? Besides, that would involve getting up to get the book, and moving out of comfortable armchairs is for fools. Instead I will sit here in shame and hang my head in defeat. And I was going to make delicious Nutella sauce to go with them… at least I still have the whipped cream.
Maybe I should re-name this site to Jackie Ruins the Pastry.
ETA: I have since been informed that the reason it came out like this was because I did not temper the eggs beforehand. I didn’t even know that was a thing and I feel even worse and more like a failure. Maybe I should just stick to making cookies.