I’ve wasted so many quality ingredients today in my quest to make Devil’s Food Cake that I kind of want to cry. I mean, there are other reasons I want to cry right now — the fact that said cake came out tasting and looking like poop, how I spent a whole afternoon making this and while I wasn’t totally expecting it to come out looking pretty, I was at least expecting it to taste good — but mostly because I’ve wasted four sticks of butter and 6 oz. of expensive chocolate when I am super poor. Flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, powdered sugar, vanilla extract… all of this shit together ain’t cheap. I can barely afford it all as is, and when the end result is a festering turd of a cake that I’m forced to throw out? Well, it takes an emotional toll.
And the culprit was, mostly, cold butter. How, even though I let it sit out for a long time and microwaved it slightly, the butter was still cold and the cake batter was filled with chunks of cold butter, and the frosting was also filled with pale yellow pieces of butter that just would not incorporate no matter what I did. But in addition to that, the cake layers were too thin, I didn’t have a cake board and had to use a plate that got in my way when I was trying to frost the sides, and also the fact that I have no idea what I’m doing and just suck at everything I try, anyway.
I almost want to say I should just stick to cupcakes and cookies, but I don’t want to make the same things over and over just because they are the only things I can make without them coming out like an utter moron slapped them together with their eyes crossed. I don’t want this blog to be just various boring and safe cookie and cupcake recipes. I keep trying to remember that I was even worse at baking when I first started, but I’m one of those people who needs to be absolutely brilliant at something the first time they attempt it, or there’s just no point.
Last week I got a second job working at a sandwich shop, and was let go after three days because I wasn’t picking it up fast enough for the owner’s liking. Never mind that I don’t eat or make sandwiches ever and so I was starting from scratch, or that nine hours isn’t a long enough time to really get the hang of anything, or that the reason the boss was so impatient was because the regular girl was leaving soon and he needed someone who was super-competent right away — it still made me feel like a loser, a failure, a dumbass. Especially since I’ve never been let go from a job based on my performance before. I just have this crippling fear of failure and rejection, because if I’m not perfect at something immediately, then I’m just wasting my time, everyone else’s time, and I’m a horrible and slow human being who should just keep to herself and stick to what she knows and never take any risks because looking like a fool is the worst thing that can happen ever.
It’s something I’m working on. Hopefully this won’t set me back too much.